I don’t like to write in the first person. Whether it’s out of habit or personal preference, I am not entirely sure, but we’ll make an exception for now.
Hi. My name is Gregory Mintz, and I feel a little lost. That’s right, this is going to be an article about graduation. I’ll try to make it as non-cliché as possible, but I can’t promise much since I tend to get emotional easily.
The Squeeze has been my anchor in Orange Umbrella, ever since I found my ability to use a keyboard as a display case into the hot mess of my brain. I’m not very good at it, but I like to think my skills improved just a tad over the past few years. Like I said, it’s a hot mess.
I first tested the durability of this display case with a small series called “Greg’s Realm”. Some articles were absolute trash, and some turned out to be golden nuggets, such as “Miraculous Paint Drying.”
Before I say au revoir to the #OrangeLyfe, I want to revisit the very first piece I ever wrote on the Pulp: The Boujee Party Teen Invasion. Written about the UM Memes for Boujee Party Teens meme page, I wanted to give a fun and slightly depreciating tone to my article in order to reflect the demographic.
However, let’s see if it translated:
“Hey there. What’s up? The name’s Greg. Gregory, Gregorio. Up to you. It’s all gucci. Now, you’re probably thinking, “Wow, another student piece about Orange Umbrella, sick!” Well, I’m here to burst your thin and poorly-constructed bubble, bud. Because we’re gonna take a sharp left down Internet Lane, you know, that place that intersects Mediocre Avenue. To a place where only the coolest of people hang out. And when I mean the coolest of people, I’m talking about five people sitting at home bored, MAYBE six. That’s right. We’re gonna dive into UM’s unofficial, hottest new page: UM Memes for Boujee Party Teens.”
There’s a lot to unpack, clearly. I see the abstract creativity that can come off as humorous, however it seems that the writer is trying too hard. Nonetheless, I am proud of myself for trying to break that 4th wall to some extent.
“Okay, Gregory Michael Mintz IX of Fairfield, Connecticut. Not only do I not know you, but I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about.” Don’t worry, ya normie. I got you. You see, this Facebook group takes a raunchy and (sometimes) hilarious look into the daily life of die-hard ‘Canes and what they think of daily life here in wonderful Coral Gables. From roasting FSU after our EPIC last-minute win to post-Irma venting to campus-wide events that even your 72-year-old microbiology professor would be interested in, this page has got your bizarre/semi-funny humor needs DOWN. ON. LOCK. (BOI.) The page currently has 2,025 members, which is only about 20 percent of the entire UM student body. However, there’s always room for 2,026. 😉”
Did I think it was that “funny” and “random” to refer to myself like that? Jeez. Everything here is so loud, I feel like the words are screaming at me. It’s almost slightly obnoxious. I still like to add character to my writing, but this is just pure madness. That (BOI.) thing? I’m sitting here trying to think why on earth I would even stylize it like that. In some dark, sadistic way, it’s creative, and I’m not sure if I would think to write like that now.
“It’s a public group, so it shouldn’t be too hard to find while you’re procrastinating at 1 AM in the library, hoping that a miracle happens and you wake up back home in your bed (that is if you can even get to sleep before 5 AM.) And, ya know, knock yourself out. Try making and posting a meme yourself. Explore that really suppressed, yet creative, awkward side of you. It’s not that scary down there, trust me. But why? To get your weird on. After all, we all do that here at Orange Umbrella.
Ok, I’m gonna go now. I’m fighting a cold, sleep deprived, and overthinking my Fall Break trip I decided not to cancel (which is turning out to be a bad move… but I like to live dangerously).\
‘Til Next Week.
I can’t get over how hard I’m trying to be “quirky,” like it’s somehow cute to be sleep deprived and miss class. It isn’t, if you aren’t a normal human that comprehends that concept. It’s also slightly irritating and cliché with my attempt at a sign-off, like people we’re actually looking forward to reading this craziness next week.
Now that I give this more thought, it’s a little meta that I’m being self-deprecating towards an article about myself that’s already self-deprecating.
I can’t think of a more complete, perfect, and grin-inducing way to end my college career.
’Til next time,
Editor’s note: This piece is written by copywriter, Greg Mintz. Greg is one of our longest-term staff members. Joining Orange Umbrella in the Spring of 2017, Greg has been a loyal, hard-working team member who never fails to uphold the culture and creativity we work so hard to build. We love Greg’s abundant personality and all the contributions he’s made to this consultancy. We’re so glad he’s enjoyed his time here and that he’s been able to freely express himself in his work. Thank you, Greg!